After the last appointment, I realized the levels of abjection within me wouldn’t waver. They were unrelenting and unforgiving. Persistent and precise. It knew where to hit me and when. Therefore, the timing was never convenient — it was never concise. Hence, me sitting in this suite surrounded by C’s and VP’s, conference callers, everyone’s agenda and my strife.
As an illustration, I was previously abandoned by those that would label themselves begetter and matriarch. Both progenitors of a shattered household, they unconsciously enabled my depression.
Under those circumstances, anyone would receive empathy and a reason to immerse themselves deeper. Yet, I continued to look inward — blaming me. For this reason, I asked myself…
What labors could spawn these fruits?
For this reason, I was at a deficit. Cultural curve aside, I was not reared by the parents that collectively created me. I suffered many hardships because of this. Minus one father and one mother, it was like playing basketball without the ball. Needless to say, it was challenging. I unknowingly slipped deeper and deeper into a depression I wouldn’t be aware of for 15 years.
Upon my awakening and therapeutic intervention I began to understand why some of the rigors of my childhood affected my adulthood. However, after the said intervention, I tossed myself to the wolves of life and never looked back on the day I was told I was severely depressed.
Nevertheless, I was able to compartmentalize my feelings. The pain of absence, abandonment, confusion, disorientation, frustration, and yearning for a relationship and family were locked away in my own personal oubliette to which only I had the key. Moreover, with no access except through my heart, I was able to bottleneck the advances of those intending to maneuver closer.
Swimming to the Surface
As shown above, my journey through depression was founded by many waves of stimuli and a considerable amount of stubbornness. Unbeknownst of me, the constant delay of the inevitable would be upon me by my 30th birthday. At this moment, I realized that my parents, the career choices I had made, and convoluted affiliations had finally taken their toll. I had finally hit rock bottom emotionally.
For the most part, I eventually took the advice of mentors and my therapist. I began to deal with the proverbial elephant in the room — my happiness.
One of the first questions my therapist asked me was…
What makes Jay happy?
This was a tough one because I had lived for years doing what I thought would garner the approval of those around me. Consequently, I was on cloud 9 with a great career, then, I fell flat like a pancake on the griddle. Why? Because my career choice never actually made me happy. It only made money — and making a ton of money has never made me happy. In addition, my lack of a relationship with my “parents” throughout the years, and my ire towards them for abandoning me wore on me emotionally and mentally. I was drowning in depression.
Ultimately, I had to leave my mother and father to their own devices and swim to the surface where I could breathe easily and think freely.
No longer gazing, my third eye was opened to so many things. Especially, my purpose.